Renunciation and Monkeys

Who doesn't love monkeys? Seriously?! 

Hello out there in blog world! The holidays have been increasingly difficult for me this year and it's for that reason that I have not posted in a while. However, I've been doing quite a bit if thinking...mostly about renunciation and monkeys honestly.

Whenever I'm experiencing a tough time emotionally I find that I revisit a story that Lama Chuck Stanford told at the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City a couple years ago.

The story goes like this:
Somewhere in India they were having issues with monkeys getting hurt or people injuring them or something like that. In an effort to relocate the monkeys and save them the locals placed mangos inside of coconuts and made a whole large enough in the coconuts for the monkeys to stick their hands through to grab them. The coconuts were placed on one side of a fence so that when the monkeys stuck their hands into the coconuts and grabbed the mangos inside they would get stuck. This would allow the locals to then take the monkeys to another safer location. Even though the monkeys could get their hands out of the coconuts very easily on their own, they never did because they refused to let go of the mangos in their hands. So, really all they had to do was let go of them and that would have freed them.

Lama Chuck used this example to describe how we as humans hold onto emotions and don't let go in some cases causing our own pain and suffering. When all we have to do is let go of the negative emotions and understand that we decide what we will let impact our lives (emotionally or otherwise).

I always think if this when I am having difficulty letting go of negative emotions. I remind myself that I decide what my attitude is in any given set of circumstances. I have the choice to grow from the experience or to remain "stuck" in my own negativity. I try to always grow but sometimes it's hard.

The negative emotions I have about my Mother's passing have been extremely hard to let go of but I keep repeating "renunciation and monkeys" in my head on those days that are particularly difficult.
Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but I figure either way at least I tried!

Anyways hope all is well and that this story also helps you during difficult times. Later alligators, oh and Happy Holidays!

Dear Mom...A Letter to You

My Mother at age 2 and a half

Dear Mom,
Your birthday is in 4 days. I’ve been trying to convince myself to celebrate your life, but I’m feeling too overwhelmed with sadness to let myself do it. I just miss you soo much. It has been a little less than 6 months since you passed and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still can’t go into the room where you passed. I mean, I try to go in there occasionally (usually with Binderclips) but it is still very hard for me. I can no longer work in there.

This one is dated 1967, this is her with her Mother.

I wish people could warn others about how bad it hurts when your mom passes away, my heart literally feels like it was broken into a billion pieces. And, quite honestly, during the first few days I wasn’t sure if I would make it. Every day I would wake up and tell Binderclips “I just don’t know how I will get through this” crying hysterically. In fact, I even saw concern in his eyes when I said this to him, like he wasn’t sure himself that I would be able to make it through it and be the same. While the bouts of what seemed like random, hysterical crying have almost stopped, my heart still aches for you daily.I’m mad at you.

I needed more time with you.

Baby G needed more time with you.

This is not fair.

Why? Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t you tell me that you were feeling really bad and wouldn’t be able to come and visit and help with Baby G? Or at the very least, why didn’t you let Dad tell me?

I feel like had I not asked you to come that you might still be here and that we wouldn’t have lost you that day. The guilt overwhelms me at times when I think about this.

I feel selfish.

If I hadn’t been soo worried about having Baby G taken care of maybe I would have realized you weren’t in any shape to come. I find myself asking myself “What signs did I miss? What did I miss that I should have seen?” often.

When I asked Dad how he handled his Mother’s passing he told me that he never really recovered completely from it – that, there is still sadness in his heart that longs for his Mom. I don’t think people understand this sadness until they experience it themselves. It is a sadness like no other. My Mother is gone. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her physical touch again. Even as a 30+ year old woman sometimes all I want is my Mom and I will never be able to have her with me again physically.

I think back to the night you passed often. I knew you weren’t feeling well, but you always needed a day to recover after you showed up, so that’s what we all thought was happening. I ask myself again and again should I have called an ambulance that night or taken you to the hospital, maybe it would have saved your life.

You went to bed at 8:30 that night. Dad went with you. When he woke me up at 1AM he had no idea that you had passed shortly after you both went to bed (per the medical examiner). The warmth from his body kept your arm warm, so you didn’t feel cold at all on the part of your body. In fact, your hand stayed warm for the hours after he woke me and after we called the police. I stayed by your side for those hours and held your hand trying to comprehend what had happened.

You had been through soo much. There had been several occasions in which the doctor had called me and said “you need to get here today because she isn’t going to make it much longer” and you did. You survived and came back strong every time. Why was this time different? Why? Why? Why?

The Pepsi you were drinking and spilled all over the floor that night is still in our fridge. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. We also still have the candies that you were eating. However, I can’t bring myself to eat any of them or throw them away, I like to keep them around – it makes me feel like you are still here sometimes.

I told Binderclips that had I not just had Baby G not too long before your passing, this would have deterred me from wanting any children at all. That is how badly my heart aches. I don’t want to inflict this pain on anyone when I pass.

During the middle of the day I often find myself thinking “Oh I should call my Mom” but of course I can’t, because you won’t be there.

I'm guessing around the same time as the picture from 1967, which would make her 11.

Anyways, Baby G, Binderclips, and I are going to create something in your honor on your birthday since you loved to make things. I will make sure we do something in your honor every year on your birthday. I will try to be happy with the memories I have of you on your birthday and other days, but this year it might be hard. Baby G’s birthday coming 3 days later will hopefully help.I miss you….always. As you had said to me many times throughout my life - I love you more than all the stars in the sky.Love, Your Daughter

I believe this is when she was 17 or 18, her with her Grandfather, who passed away on 4/11 in the early 80's. My Mother passed away on 4/12 of this year.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants

I don't normally post stuff like this, however today there has been a lot of activity on facebook regarding a topic that is very near and dear to my heart....endometriosis.

Now don't get me wrong, there is always a lot of activity thanks to the Endometriosis Research Center, however today's post to the link below (featuring an article on endometriosis) in particular got a lot of attention.

Here is the link:
http://www.international.to/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=6928%3Awhat-is-endometirosis-all-women-should-read-this&catid=84%3Ahealth&Itemid=276

After the ERC posted this link on it's facebook page, many of us read the article and were outraged.

In short, the article states that "Many studies show that low BMI, delayed pregnancy, poor nutrition, teenage pregnancy, poor personal hygiene, low body immunity, prolonged mood disorders and severe hormonal disharmony are the causative factors of Endometriosis. " This could not be more inaccurate.

The Editor's Comments section was not present nor were the Reader Contributions/Comments when the ERC originally posted the link to it. However, the good that came of the article being posted is that we all came together in a united front with knowledge/experience on our side and responded. Readers submitted comments that were published over the course of the day and the editor added comments to the beginning of the article that includes an apology to readers.

The ERC also submitted a statement that was posted at the end of the article, please take a moment to read it. It is one of the best written statements that articulates what many of us that have been diagnosed with endometriosis thought of the original article.

I thought I'd post this because I was genuinely touched by the sisterhood that I feel with the other women also diagnosed with this disease. I have decided to give a name to all of us that have been diagnosed, from here on out I will refer our sisterhood as -  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants (if you have been diagnosed you totally get why this fits us). 

I have shared some of my experiences with endometriosis on this blog, although not nearly as much as it has impacted me. Endometriosis is a very personal thing to me, I try not to complain about much, but I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries already. This disease impacts me almost daily, I just try to continue to have a positive perspective. Even after having been told that I may not be able to have children and beginning on a path to find fertility... I tried to remain positive and eventually we were lucky enough to conceive (this is not the case for many with the disease), you can read more about how I found out about that in a post I titled I Might be Growing a Penis if you're interested.

Any who, thank you again to the Endometriosis Research Center for your continued work and passion on this topic. Also, thank you to the other women who responded to this article who belong to this Sisterhood! From the bottom of my heart - I thank you!

I thought I would post a random picture of myself being attacked by a pirate in the Bahamas... it has nothing to do with this post, but hopefully you will get a laugh or smile out of it. To answer your question: I don't know how I find myself in these types of situations, I just do!

Dangerous Rhymes Lead to Dangerous Minds?

Hello out there in blog world! I hope everyone is doing well. Binderclips and I have been really busy with our little darling Baby G. She's growing soo fast I just can't believe it! She now crawls at warp speed (and that's at her slowest pace)...needless to say, she's keeping us very busy constantly chasing her around.

We've been reading to her a lot and she loves Dr. Seuss. Recently I read Fox In Socks to her. When I opened the book the message in the picture was on the first page. When I read it I thought 'oh that's funny, just like good 'ol Dr. Seuss to put a message like that in a book' (like we're friends or something).

Anyways, what I learned was to take Dr. Seuss seriously. When it comes to rhyming he puts Lil Wayne (or any rapper) to shame. He doesn't play around when it comes to rhymes. Seriously.

I double dog dare you (if you have never read that book before or haven't in a very long time) to read it the first time without struggling or making any mistakes. I am totally not kidding.

Let me know how it goes too. I wish you luck because you will need it!

Have a great holiday weekend everyone!

Later gators!

Conversations with a Llama and Stuff

I'm feeling a little down today. Sigh. I have a sinus infection and had to call the medical examiner today  (I've had to do this a lot actually) about my Mom. I can tell you the 2 combined do not make a good combination. After I got off the phone I cried and cried and continue to do so randomly today. A lady on TV was talking about crying herself and that alone set me off, which is kind of funny but sad at the same time. Wish me luck with the waterworks, I'm hoping they stop soon.

Any who, the below cheered me up a bit and so I thought I'd repost it. I hope, if you are also having a bad day, it cheers you up as well. Later gators.

Originally posted 10/7/2010

This is me and my llama friend "Larry". Don't we look good? Actually, I think that Larry the Llama was having a better hair day than I was - now that I'm looking at the pictures. Grrrrrrr

After hanging out for a bit, just looking cool (as evidenced by the picture above). It was at this point that Larry the Llama decided to tell me a secret.

HulaBuns: What? What's that you say Larry the Llama?

Larry the Llama: "I'm so glad you are not wearing a wool sweater" he says in a French accent. But it sounds like "Imsoovladyoooarrrvnotvwearingavwoolsveatair."

HulaBuns: *blushing* (It's hard not to blush when you are being spoken to in a French accent) "Oh, Llama. I would never wear wool in front of you." Put off by the French accent I ask "Are you from France?"

Larry the Llama: "You look fabulous. Has anyone told you that today?" he says, again in French accent, eyeing Binderclips as if he's done something wrong. Then responds with "But of course I am from France. Well, the Canadian France. So Canada actually." But is sounds like "ButfcourseImfrooomfrancious. WellvecanAdiennefrancious. SocanAdianneaktoooalleeee."

HulaBuns: "Oh, you silly Llama"  I say again, blushing.

Larry the Llama: "May I lick your face?" he says but it sounds like "MayIvleeekurrrfaaaas?"

HulaBuns: Ummm. No. And I'm watching you Larry the Llama, so don't even try it. And just so you know we don't do that kind of thing in these parts. Face licking is only preferred by a select few and I am not one of those who likes that sort of thing. Unless, I have sugar on my face, but that's a whole nother story.

Unfortunately, for Larry the Llama, I had to leave shortly after. However, I couldn't resist sharing the pictures and story (ummm, of course I didn't make any of it up) with you all. I hope you like it!

Have a great day everyone! Later gators!

Some llama facts: Llamas are the one of the oldest domesticated animals of the world. They have deer-like poop and usually have a communal area where the herd poops. Removal of wool is not harmful to the llamas if done properly.

Sexting Hulabuns and Binderclips Style

This picture is from the Madison Farmer's Market. They have it on the capital building grounds. Lots of vendors and people show up - we attended and thought it was a great time.

Sometimes you sext on purpose and sometimes you don't - either way, the person you're sexting doesn't need to know the truth. Case and point:

Binderclips is on his way home from work, so he lets me know via text.

Binderclips: On my way home!

Hulabuns: Goolove you

On my old phone it was kind of hard to text (think non-smart phone), so if I messed up while typing a text (especially one that was going to Binderclips) I would just send it anyway (who am I kidding? I still do this with my smart phone especially when the dictation function messes up - I think it's hilarious). In this case, I was trying to type "Good love you"- but it ended up running together somehow.

Binderclips: Goolove??

While I'm trying to formulate a response I get another text...

Binderclips: Wait. Are you sexting me??

There could be no other response than....

Hulabuns: Yes, definitely

Binderclips' response back: Well then, goolove you back {wink wink}

That was the end of it, but if you ever see "goolove" show up in a text from Binderclips or me - you can take it as a sext apparently.

In other texting news, Binderclips showed me where to find the emoticons on my phone for texting. Needless to say, Binderclips was the lucky recipient of many poop piles amongst other strange emoticons from me soon after. I'm certain now he's sorry he showed me where they were. I even found a emoticon that perfectly expresses that I'm pumping milk and am unavailable...you can guess which one that is.

I hope all is well out there! Later gators!

Tea Bag

To the followers that continue to follow (and read) my blog - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I have been MIA for a while and am trying to get things back together. However, becoming a mother and losing my mother (in my home) have presented me with some very sad and lonely times. I know I have lots of people there for me but not many of them can understand how much these events have impacted me. Thanks to those who have been and continue to be there for me.

This was the message on my tea bag...what do you think? Is it true? Or is it a little over-dramatic?

One of my friends said she thinks it's true for my world, I definitely agree with that but above and beyond my world - I'm not so sure.

It definitely makes you look at everything differently if it is true...let me know what you think!

Testing, testing....

Thought I'd test my new phone out by posting a picture of my girl. Hope all is well in blog world!

Hope you enjoy the picture - she's 9 months old now. Boy how time flies!

Be Back Soon

Just thought I'd post an update since I have not posted in a long time. On April 12th I lost my Mother unexpectedly. She passed away in our home while visiting us. My parents had made the trip up to help take care of Baby G while my sitter was out of town. I would like to say I'm doing a lot better and dealing with it well, but some days I'm not sure that's the case. I am still devastated by the loss and miss my Mom more and more every day. When you are able send some positive thoughts my way...I will be back soon.

Lettuce Help You: Why Vegetable Names Can Be Confusing

I painted this last year right before Baby G arrived...I hope you like it!

Hi Everyone! How ARE you!? I'm still busy as ever, but am doing well. Binderclips and I had some things happen to us lately that I feel like you all would appreciate, so I'm going to share...

I know this might come as a shock to you guys, but our real names are not actually Binderclips and Hulabuns (I know, crazy, right!?)....don't worry I won't tell you what they really are. All I will say is our last name (when pronounced correctly) sounds exactly like a vegetable. Twice within the last week (one time to Binderclips and another time to me) someone has said this vegetable name to us and confused us. This is how it went down:

Binderclips' Situation:


He's out and decides to pick us something up to eat, as he waits for them to make the sandwich wraps the person says "Lettuce*?" to him. Thinking they just said his last name to him (to get his attention perhaps), he says "yes" in response. They proceed to put lettuce on the wrap. It is at this point he realizes they were asking him if he wanted lettuce on the wraps.

Hulabuns' Situation:


We're out grocery shopping and have lettuce in our cart. We go to check out and the person checking us out says "Mrs. Lettuce" to me. I look at the guy and say "Yes" to acknowledge him talking to me, then realize that he's holding up the lettuce from our items that he's scanning to confirm that's what it is.  I stand there looking at him very confused...It's at that point that I feel the need to explain why I look so confused and say "I thought you said Mrs. Lettuce, since that's exactly how you pronounce my last name" to the guy. He just looks at me all confused-like. As I walk away I'm sure he's making the "that lady is crazy" hand gesture (you know, the one where you point your index finger and the side of our head and move it in a circular motion? You're doing it now aren't you? I am).

Any who, I hope you all had a great St. Patrick's Day (especially you Vince, since you are actually Irish and in Ireland)! Later Gators!

*Lettuce is not our last name, nor does our name sound like it. However, for the purposes of this post you can refer to us as Mr. and Mrs. Lettuce.

Workin' IT

Hola amigos! How is everyone out there? I'm doing well, surviving I guess. Work has been ridiculously busy and Baby G has been keeping us busy as well. Before I give you an update on Baby G (which I'm sure you are all just waiting in anticipation for), I'd like to share a couple of my work conversations with you all:

1) I work in IT and for a while there everyone on my team had to work the help desk phones. In doing so, if we received a hang up call we would have to create an incident and define it as a "Hang Up" call in the incident system. Usually, we create incidents with the users who call in being the owners of them, however when we get hang up calls we sometimes have to put them in our own names.

Well, on this particular occasion this happened, so I created a Hang Up call incident and put myself as the user. Users who call in incidents to our Help Desk get automatic emails that include surveys after the incidents are closed that allow them to rate the service they received from us. When I closed the Hang Up call incident I immediately got one of these auto-emails....and it wasn't until I received it that I realized what would motivate users to fill out the surveys. The text within the email stated:

"During the 90 seconds it takes you to complete our Customer Satisfaction Survey, your name will be placed in a drawing to WIN ONE OF TWO IPODS GIVEN AWAY THE FIRST WEEK OF EACH MONTH!..."

Almost immediately I sent an instant message to my manager and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hey, I just got an auto email to complete a survey after an incident that I opened for myself as the user was closed and now I see why users may be motivated to fill them out...

My Manager: Why?

Me: Well, they have a chance to win an IPOD!

My Manager: Really?!

Me: Yep. My question, can I rate myself and possibly win the IPOD?

My Manager: I guess you could do that

Me: It would definitely increase my client satisfaction scores

My Manager: It would but only if you were happy with the service you received

I didn't end up filling out the survey but had I filled it out I would have rated myself exceptionally well. :)

2) I receive an instant message from one of my co-workers it says:

Her: Hood morning Hooovlavuns*

Me: Hi there

Her: OMG, I'm soo embarrassed, I should have looked at what I typed before I sent it

Me: That's ok, I just imagined you saying it like you were a vampire

Her: ROFL!!

*Instead of saying Hoovlavuns it had my name misspelled horribly

Baby G Update:

Baby G is growing soo quickly! She's 22 weeks old as of this past Sunday. I just can't believe the time is going by soo fast.  She's already grabbing at everything in our hands and we started feeding her rice cereal just about 3 weeks ago. Here's a recent picture of her:

Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone out there in blog world! Later gators!

Abandoned By Astronauts

Hola out there in blog world! Hope all is well with everyone. Everything is great here, just super duper busy with Baby G. She is now a little over 4 months old (17 weeks and day to be exact) and she just found her voice this past saturday. Which, is probably the cutest thing I have EVER heard, I mean EVER. She just babbles on and on cooing and kaaaing, seriously it's the best thing ever (I'll try to post a video of it soon). Any who, here are a couple of recent pictures of our little pumpkin. Below that you will find a post that I believe to be an oldie but a goodie. Recently we had our cable disconnected and now only use AppleTV and Netflix. Well, this has resulted in me watching lots of space/astronomy shows and probably will result in something similar to what happened in this old post at some point. Wish me luck on that not happening (you'll understand after you read it I'm sure).

Original post 4/21/10

Remember how I mentioned that the Snaz fish incident was before we realized what happens to me when I get hot while sleeping? If you have not yet read the Snaz fish story I recommend you do.Well, the answer to that question is - I have nightmares, terrifying and unbearable, nightmares.

So, on this particular night we had went to bed fairly early - subsequently, leaving lots of time for reoccurring dreams (or nightmares). Anyways, the last nightmare (even if it's a reoccurring one) is the one that always makes the biggest impact (for me, at least).

In the nightmare I was on a shuttle that landed on the moon and for some reason was the chosen one to have to go outside of the shuttle and put a box on the moon (maybe I work for Alien FedEx perhaps?). I believe this was the main reason for the mission (it's always called a mission when you go to another planet or moon, right?). The nightmare always seems to start off in the same place - with me climbing down a ladder outside of the shuttle with the box in question in my astronaut hands (don't ask me how I was holding onto it with those gigantic gloves on). All I have to do is place the box on the moon's surface (which, appears to have no one on it, so I'm not sure who the heck is receiving the box), then get back into the shuttle so we can head back to Earth (BTW, now that I think about it, I'm certain this has something to do with Buzz Aldrin being on this season's DWTS).

For some reason, as I climb down the ladder - I'm terrified. Instead of stepping off the ladder at all, I just place the box on the ground as quickly as I can, then start to feverishly climb up the ladder to get back into the shuttle.This is where things get interesting - the shuttle starts to take off with me still on the ladder. I scream, yell, and pound on the shuttle as I realize it's doing this. This is my view from the shuttle, by the way (which, gives me the creeps because it's so reminiscent of the nightmare view).

Next thing I know, the shuttle blasts off with me still on the ladder - somehow, I'm able to hold on as we zoom through space and back to Earth. However, I'm freezing and again, terrified that I'll fall off at any moment. Then I wake up freaked out beyond belief.


The thing that I started to think about though was 'if I was an astronaut why would I be afraid of getting out and putting a package on the moon?' Well, I think I figured out the answer (remember this was a reoccurring nightmare): I believe the first time I got out of the shuttle (and had this nightmare) I was not terrified at all to climb down the ladder and set the box on the moon. Instead I merrily climbed down thinking 'I'm on the moon!!!!' (think "I'm on a boat!" excited - except without all the swearing). So, instead of feverishly climbing back up the ladder after setting the box down I believe I hopped off the ladder and lallygagged around for a bit. To which, the other astronaut FedExers got impatient and tried to take off without me.

My guess is that as the nightmare reoccurred again and again I spent less and less time on the moon and was more and more careful about not being left on the moon, which would explain why I was so terrified the last time I had the nightmare.

After this Binderclips told me I was "not allowed to watch anything astronomy or space related before bed" (what am I, 5?!). Anywho, if you want to see some awesome views check out Soichi Noguchi's twitter account - he just returned to Earth about a day ago from being on board the space station since last December. While in space he made several tweets that included pictures of Earth. Pretty cool stuff if you ask me (although, I shouldn't be allowed to look at them, since they will most likely give me nightmares - I hate when Binderclips is right).

Here's a recent Soichi tweet pic:

I bet Soichi wouldn't abandon me on the moon.

Slacker Slacker Bo-Backer

Hello all it's me...the slacker slacker bo-backer. I haven't posted in a while, well, because I've been focused on motherhood. Motherhood is awesome. Don't get me wrong, it's completely exhausting at times, but the truth is - it's pretty freaking awesome. Now, we (Binderclips and I) have had our share of ups and downs, but I love it. Would I go through labor again? Right now I plead the 5th.

So, where did I leave off last time I posted? Oh yeah that's right, our little Baby G had just arrived!

Since then a lot has happened but let me share with you the experience we had getting her newborn pictures taken (and let this be a lesson to all of you possibly wanting to do the same thing in the future). Here is the chain of events:

1. We show up, photographer insists Baby G is naked
2. Baby G is now naked and pissed (majorly pissed)
3. We try to get some pictures of her on her belly, she screams as if she is being tortured
4. We decide  to stop doing that
5. Photog decides Binderclips needs to hold Baby G with her hands and head on his shoulder. She's still naked at this point. Binderclips cannot be seen in the photos since he's wearing black and the background is black and the photog is taking the pictures very close up. This is a good thing.
6. As soon as the photog starts snapping pictures a yell is heard from Binderclips
7. Upon further examination it is discovered that Baby G has peed ALL OVER Binderclips
8. The fun doesn't stop there
9. The photog continues to snap pictures and another yell is heard from Binderclips... this time just slightly more urgent
10. Upon another examination it is discovered that Baby G has pooped ALL OVER Binderclips (Quick note here: Baby G is being breastfed. Breastfed baby poop is usually very runny and it was in this case, just fyi.)
11. We decide to take a break to clean her and Binderclips up
12. As soon as we clean her up I feed her a little bit and am holding her trying to comfort her (maybe for approx. 15 minutes). 
13. I hand her to Binderclips who has just gotten cleaned up
14. As soon as she's in his arms she poops all over him again
15. As I decide to go clean up the poop that has landed on the ground I'm crouching under Binderclips and Baby G who are standing above me. At this point I realize I could get pooped or peed on, so I move.
16. Not even a second after I move Baby G proceeds to pee all over Binderclips
17. We all laugh hysterically

Now I know Baby G is not going to enjoy this story being shared once she gets old enough to read but, seriously? How could I not share it? Right? Any who, I'll leave you with some of the pictures taken that day. I will try to post more frequently but I'm not making any promises. Later gators!

photos taken by Olga Thomas Photography