Monday, July 18, 2016

Hulabuns Paradigm Shift

Life Lessons; some are hard and some are not so hard. But are they equally as important? Absolutely.

Having kids has really forced me to dig deep, really look at what emotions exist inside and why they remain there. Within the last year I've realized something; I no longer try to succeed at things because I want acceptance from others. I mean, of course I don't want to be an outcast...but I don't do things to hear others give me praises. I do them because internally I want to succeed, for me. Crazy, right?

Something changed in me over the last four years, since my Mother's passing...I became more self-reliant and confident. Is this because she is no longer there to give me encouragement? I don't know because a lot of what motivates me today are the things she used to say to me that weren't so nice. And let me correct that last statement by saying that "she" didn't say them but her "addict/bipolar self" said these things. Regardless of who said them, it still hurts to think of these things, however it also has pushed me over the years to succeed at things. I know my mom (minus the drugs/alcohol/bipolar episodes) would have been encouraging and kind. But here's the thing - she wasn't dealt the fairest of hands. During her life she experienced tough times and didn't always make the right choices to overcome them... or didn't have the choice.

In my life I haven't really felt a wave of positivity behind me propelling me forward. Is that because it didn't exist or because I didn't perceive it in that way? I'd like to think it was the latter. I now perceive many of the negative happenings in my life as very positive things. Had I not experienced the downs early on, I would not fully appreciate the ups that I experience today.

Again, and again the word perseverance comes to mind. I remind myself of it, almost daily. I didn't have it as bad as others have, nor did I endure physical abuse - I am thankful for these things. I am driven not only by my ability to persevere in my circumstances but also by seeing others do the same having been given harder circumstances. These are the people I look up to.

Also, I am thankful that this journey of grieving has helped me grow and that my children and Binderclips motivate me to continue to learn on this journey called life.

I hope all is well out there and that you got something from this post. I, at least, got it off of my chest and am feeling better because of that.

Later gators!