Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Toe Bump #2

Continued from Toe Bump #1...

They call me back and I follow the nurse to the examination room. She asks me what the reason for my visit is and if I've ever had any surgeries and if I have any major health conditions. I think 'didn't I get here 1/2 hour before my appointment to fill out paperwork that included answers to all of those questions? Also, did I not wait an extra 20 minutes because of this emergency surgery? Furthermore, did I not see this nurse sitting at the reception desk with my paperwork for almost the entire time I waited (at this point I'd been waiting approx. an hour).' I consider for a moment that there's maybe a reason she didn't read the information sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER:

Maybe she's blind? No that can't be true she appears to not have a cane (I definitely would have noticed a cane thingy if she had one). Did she forget her glasses? No, she seems to wearing a pair (if I would've paid attention earlier this would have ruled out the blind question). At this point I realize she's saying something about a shoe, so I start paying attention again.

I respond with pointing to my shoe and try to read her response to see if I can figure out what she just asked me without asking her to repeat herself. She looks at me pointing to my shoe and says "yes, please remove your shoe and sock". HA! Take that you non-reader! I remove them both and she looks at my foot as if it has growths all over it. I look at it wondering if it looks different from when I saw it last. 'It doesn't appear to have any growths on it' I think to myself and 'isn't she a nurse for a FOOT doctor? She really should be used to seeing these types of things'. She says to wait and the doctor will be right in to see me.

He comes in shortly after, I tell him what's wrong and he starts torturing me. By torturing me I mean pushing on the bump, trying to move it around and just when I think he's done he decides to push on it some more. He finally stops and says "yeah you either have a bone spur or cyst on your toe". He then proceeds to tell me that after looking at an x-ray (to be sure that's what it is) all he has to do is "cut it open and file it off".

All of a sudden I realize I said something and now he's looking at me with a confused look on his face. Without even realizing it I had responded with a "Oooooo, oh no". Again, I realize this only after I see him looking at me all confused like (also, I suspect that I was shaking my head from side to side while saying it, now that I think about it). He responds with "it's a minor procedure, we may be able to do it right here in the examination room". I respond with "that does not sound as good as you think it does" and follow it up with "I'm not sure I'm prepared to talk about this right now".

My follow up appointment is today to review my x-ray, wish me luck because I will need it.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How my husband got an office supply nickname

So, for those of you that do not know my husband - he's odd (in the best way possible of course). One of his best (and most annoying) qualities is to make sure everything he owns stays looking like new (even me, he does not handle it well if I get sick or injured and am not in the original state he found me in when we first met). Well, this story has a lot to do with that quality.

First, a little bit more background information is necessary: Binderclips has gigantasaurus* feet (he's tall and doesn't realize that he needs them to be big to allow him to not fall over, so really they are the perfect size for him and DO NOT look too big).

Anywho, ever since I've known him he's worn his jeans too long to cover up his feet (he, however, will argue that they are just the right length and not too long). Well, when you wear jeans that are too long they have a tendency to drag on the ground. Which, if you are like my hubby, does not bode well for keeping things looking like new. One fine day he decided that if he binderclipped the back of his jeans up, that would save them from looking worn and again, keep them looking like new. So, instead of thinking to himself 'this is odd, maybe there's a better way' - he went with it and starting binderclipping them up.

So, he continued to do this for YEARS without ANYONE saying ANYTHING to him about it (well, aside from me at home). After a while he began to do it as a challenge to see if anyone would ever say anything to him about it. We actually would have discussions about it when he got home and both of us would always be surprised when no one mentioned it - EVER. For example, one day he came home and said "you'll never believe this, today I was walking up the stairs in front of this guy and the binderclips on the back of my jeans were hitting the stairs making a click noise every time I stepped. I knew the guy saw them, I even swore he looked down at them and then back up at me, but he still said NOTHING about them!!" It was the closest call he had, that is, until Hot Tubs came into the picture.

Hot Tubs is one of my best friends, I will have to share the story of how she got that nickname another day. Anyways, she was visiting, noticed them, asked him about them, and within 5 minutes of arriving had decided his new nickname would be Binderclips.

Her and her husband also have randomly left a box of binderclips on our welcome rug outside of our apartment, in which both Binderclips and I did not put 2 and 2 together on. "Wow! Look a box of binderclips! Someone must have dropped them! Must be our lucky day!" we exclaimed after finding them - clearly, we are a match made in heaven. Well, that's the story of how my husband got an office supply nickname. Look for the story of how I got HulaBuns as a nickname coming soon. :)

* Gigantasaurus means gigantic (like dinosaurishly** big)
**Dinosaurishly means like a gigantic dinosaur***
***So, I make up words! What are you going to do about it? Huh?!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Toe Bump #1

Ever heard of the Cupid Shuffle, Bump, or Chicken Dance? If not, they're different types of dances that have been popular at some point over the years. If you are thinking the Toe Bump is something like that, you're mistaken - it's not a dance at all....

I like to walk, love to run, but like to walk. Lately this has been painful for me (walking that is), so I made a doctor's appointment. Prior to going I found a bump on my middle toe (as if my foot was flipping me the bird for wanting to run saying "screw you lady, enough of this running BS!".

I went in for my appointment and was waiting in the reception area and had to wait a little longer since the doctor had to perform an emergency surgery. Because I was making chili at home I called Binderclips to tell him to put the kidney beans in the chili, heat it for 10 minutes, then eat it. As always, this HAD to be more complicated than it should have been:

Me: Hey, can you put the kidney beans in the chili and heat it for 10 minutes? After it heats you can eat it.
Him: You want me to eat the kidney beans for 10 minutes? then heat what?
Me: No (remember I'm in the reception area at the doctors office where other people are also waiting), heat it for 10 minutes then eat it (every time I say "heat" or "eat" I try to over enunciate them, I start to get funny looks from others waiting) .
Him: Ok, so heat the kidney beans and eat the chili? Am I eating the chili for 10 minutes and why is there a time limit?
Me: I decide to try one more time, "heat the chili with the kidney beans in it, then eat it after 10 minutes"
Him: I'm so confused...I'm still not sure what to heat and what to eat and what order to do it in.
Me: At this point I've had it and decide to mess with him (because I'm sure he's messing with me). "Put the kidney beans on a cookie sheet, neatly - then make sure the kidney beans have a meet and greet prior to going into the chili to heat for 10 minutes. After that dance around on your feet, repeat once more, take a seat, then eat the chili. I've gotta go, good luck!"

At that moment they call me in to see the doctor.

Older Than Dirt

Prior to sending this blog site out I decided to have my husband (AKA Binderlips) check it out. As he looked at it in our office in the back of the apartment I sat in the living room watching an old episode of 2 1/2 Men, this is how it went down:

Him: Big sigh "HulaBuns is ONE word"
Me: Is not
Him: Another big sigh
Me: What is it this time?
Me: thinking WTF is he talking about - he MUST have forgotten how to read over the weekend, I say "Ummm, what are you talking about?"
Him: As if I was testing him he looks at me (disapprovingly may I add) and says "Uh, it says you are 331 years old on your profile"
Me: It sooo does not
Him: He looks at me suspiciously then says "You're messing with me again!"
Me: Let me see it (I look and it does say I'm 331 years old), I laugh
Him: what is wrong with you? I've heard about people getting their month and days confused, but the year??!!

After looking at my blog I realize that I put in 1678 instead of 1978!! The best part is that Binderclips genuinely thinks I'm messing with him and I'm not (as is usually the case with Binderclips). If you not have been introduced yet to the dysfunction that is Binderclips' and HulaBuns' marriage all I can say is "welcome" and "this story's got nothin on our normal miscommunications"! Enjoy!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Dentist Visit

So, today I had to go in to get a crown done on my lower jaw (I mention this now because it's apparently different than having them done on the upper jaw, you will hear more about this later).

Prior to leaving I had to give a presentation demoing a new database tool being used in the Lab System I've been working on. Anywho, I ended up giving the presentation and getting some questions at the end of it that resulted in me leaving 15 minutes before the appointment started (the dentist is 20 minutes away).

Somehow I made it there just a couple of minutes late. Well when I walked in I must have looked stressed because the dentist asked me if I wanted some laughing gas. After a brief discussion regarding how much more the laughing gas might cost me (he said nothing, but I should have suspected it would cost me something) - I signed up for it.

He promptly plopped the nose mask down on my face, which is heavier than you might expect (well it was heavier than I expected and kind of looked like a snake or 2 armed octopus [a bipus perhaps?]). Then he told me it would make me "not care as much about what was going on". "Danger Will Rogers" is what went through my head immediately. I considered "going ninja" on him and using it as a weapon, but quickly decided against it.

After a couple of minutes the dentist's assistant asked how I was feeling. "Tired" was my response, "really tired". She said that was normal that she wasn't sure why they called it laughing gas, aside from it did seem to make children laugh a lot. I thought 'lady -you have no idea how lucky you are that this didn't go the other way for me' (making me laugh instead of being so tired, if you know me you have to know it could've easily went either way).

Then the drilling began. Since my normal dentist was out due to a motorcycle accident (he's ok), his son (also a dentist) was doing the drilling. I realized early on that I could see what he was doing in the reflection of his glasses - lucky me. I found the situation to be very much like a train wreck type deal (instead of looking away I couldn't help but watch the mini eyeglass TV displaying what was happening in there).

Because I felt something on my tongue and could not see it in the reflection of the glasses (it really felt like some type of dental material was just sitting on my tongue or perhaps a piece of my tooth he just drilled off saying to the other teeth "ha ha ha, I'm out of here suckers!") I asked "is there something on my tongue?" to the dentist and his assistant. To which they asked to see my tongue. After sticking it out and having them examine it, the decision was that there was nothing there. However, when they weren't looking I tried to pick the stuff off of it where I thought it was and sure enough, nothing was there.

After he drilled in there for a while we were waiting (for something, not sure what honestly) - again. After trying to put some chapstick on (rather unsuccessfully) I decided the lower lip was no longer an option. Not only could I not see my mouth (remember I have a 2 armed octopus across the middle of my face) I could not feel my bottom lip at all either.

After waiting he went back in to put some paint thinner on my tooth (while I'm sure it wasn't really paint thinner I do know it's exactly what I would expect paint thinner to taste like), I again waited. Because I was so drowsy I shut my eyes for a moment and fell asleep briefly. I woke up startled looking at the Moth Man (mythological English creature much like the Big Foot in the US...I sooo need to stop watching MonsterQuest on the History channel) looking at me (perched ready to attack). Before I freaked out I realized it was just a large TV that because of it's hanging apparatus looked like it had wings.

Finally it was all over with and thank goodness too. I'm not sure I would have made it out of there alive if I had to stay any longer than I did.