Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Dear Mom...A Letter to You

My Mother at age 2 and a half
Dear Mom,
Your birthday is in 4 days. I’ve been trying to convince myself to celebrate your life, but I’m feeling too overwhelmed with sadness to let myself do it. I just miss you soo much. It has been a little less than 6 months since you passed and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still can’t go into the room where you passed. I mean, I try to go in there occasionally (usually with Binderclips) but it is still very hard for me. I can no longer work in there.
This one is dated 1967, this is her with her Mother.
I wish people could warn others about how bad it hurts when your mom passes away, my heart literally feels like it was broken into a billion pieces. And, quite honestly, during the first few days I wasn’t sure if I would make it. Every day I would wake up and tell Binderclips “I just don’t know how I will get through this” crying hysterically. In fact, I even saw concern in his eyes when I said this to him, like he wasn’t sure himself that I would be able to make it through it and be the same. While the bouts of what seemed like random, hysterical crying have almost stopped, my heart still aches for you daily.I’m mad at you.

I needed more time with you.

Baby G needed more time with you.

This is not fair.

Why? Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t you tell me that you were feeling really bad and wouldn’t be able to come and visit and help with Baby G? Or at the very least, why didn’t you let Dad tell me?

I feel like had I not asked you to come that you might still be here and that we wouldn’t have lost you that day. The guilt overwhelms me at times when I think about this.

I feel selfish.

If I hadn’t been soo worried about having Baby G taken care of maybe I would have realized you weren’t in any shape to come. I find myself asking myself “What signs did I miss? What did I miss that I should have seen?” often.

When I asked Dad how he handled his Mother’s passing he told me that he never really recovered completely from it – that, there is still sadness in his heart that longs for his Mom. I don’t think people understand this sadness until they experience it themselves. It is a sadness like no other. My Mother is gone. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her physical touch again. Even as a 30+ year old woman sometimes all I want is my Mom and I will never be able to have her with me again physically.

I think back to the night you passed often. I knew you weren’t feeling well, but you always needed a day to recover after you showed up, so that’s what we all thought was happening. I ask myself again and again should I have called an ambulance that night or taken you to the hospital, maybe it would have saved your life.

You went to bed at 8:30 that night. Dad went with you. When he woke me up at 1AM he had no idea that you had passed shortly after you both went to bed (per the medical examiner). The warmth from his body kept your arm warm, so you didn’t feel cold at all on the part of your body. In fact, your hand stayed warm for the hours after he woke me and after we called the police. I stayed by your side for those hours and held your hand trying to comprehend what had happened.

You had been through soo much. There had been several occasions in which the doctor had called me and said “you need to get here today because she isn’t going to make it much longer” and you did. You survived and came back strong every time. Why was this time different? Why? Why? Why?

The Pepsi you were drinking and spilled all over the floor that night is still in our fridge. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. We also still have the candies that you were eating. However, I can’t bring myself to eat any of them or throw them away, I like to keep them around – it makes me feel like you are still here sometimes.

I told Binderclips that had I not just had Baby G not too long before your passing, this would have deterred me from wanting any children at all. That is how badly my heart aches. I don’t want to inflict this pain on anyone when I pass.

During the middle of the day I often find myself thinking “Oh I should call my Mom” but of course I can’t, because you won’t be there.
I'm guessing around the same time as the picture from 1967, which would make her 11.
Anyways, Baby G, Binderclips, and I are going to create something in your honor on your birthday since you loved to make things. I will make sure we do something in your honor every year on your birthday. I will try to be happy with the memories I have of you on your birthday and other days, but this year it might be hard. Baby G’s birthday coming 3 days later will hopefully help.I miss you….always. As you had said to me many times throughout my life - I love you more than all the stars in the sky.Love, Your Daughter
I believe this is when she was 17 or 18, her with her Grandfather, who passed away on 4/11 in the early 80's. My Mother passed away on 4/12 of this year.