Monday, September 27, 2010

The Eye of Chaos

Happy Fall everyone! I took this picture last fall. I hope you like it!

Hello Folks! How is everyone out there in blog world? Doing well?

Me, I'm doing ok. Had kind of a stressful week last week. Went home to find out my mom hasn't been doing that well (she has COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, CHF, diabetes, etc.) and had to be admitted to the hospital. She's doing much better as of today, however it's always hard to see someone you love struggling; I'm sure we've all experienced that at some point and if you haven't, be thankful, it's hard.

Although, during last week's happenings I learned something...

When Binderclips and I arrived at my parents' at first it was a shock. We live a couple of states away and only get to see our families, oh, I don't know, 2 times a year or so. Don't get me wrong, I still talk to my parents almost daily, but we don't get to see them that often at all. Anyways, what I learned is that when you are away from situations for long periods of time and are thrown right back into them, it's stressful and almost like a shock to your system.

Prior to moving I was involved in everything (really I still am) having to do with my parents. I am the power of attorney for my mom in the event something happens and still help/handle their finances on a regular basis. However, when my mom would end up in the hospital - I was used to it, I mean, seeing her like that. It was almost like the homeostasis of our family was chaos and I was really used to it (we all were). Almost as if, we had fought ourselves through the chaos of a tornado to find our way to the center of it, where the calm is - despite the craziness happening all around us we remained calm because that's what we were used to.

However, last week I felt like I was on the outside again and had to make my way back to the calm eye of the tornado. I wish I could have had a warning of some kind, honestly. As soon as we walked into my parent's home I was hit by the emotional tornado. My mom was having difficulty holding her own utensils to feed herself and couldn't walk as well as she had been able to when they came to stay with us back in May of this year. I felt like I was turned upside down and twirling all around in a tornado of emotions almost instantly upon arriving.

'Here comes guilt, this is going to hurt' I think as it hits me directly in the face. 'Oh, and here comes sadness ready for it's close up' I tell myself as it turns me upside down. 'Don't forget about defeat' as it slams me into the ground forcefully. By the end of the first day I felt really beat up and, quite honestly, like I had been through a tornado.

I learned that with pain and struggle come a lot of good. Even though I felt beat up at the end of the week, I know my dad and Binderclips felt that way too. I could at least take comfort in knowing that when I found myself back to the eye of the tornado my dad would be there waiting for me (and Binderclips and my brother) and that we were all in it together. It's a hard road but I wouldn't want to experience it without the support of the people I love the most surrounding me. Thanks Binderclips for wiping the guilt off of my face and telling me it had no right there.

Kind of a sappy post, but what the hey, ya know? I hope everyone has a great day today. :)


  1. Pretty picture. :)

    I know what you mean, about leaving and feeling like an outsider when you come back. Just remember that your parents want you to live your own life too, and they are proud of you for all that you have accomplished on your own. You are doing a great job of taking care of yourself while also taking care of your mother, even if it must be from a distance.

    This is definitely what they mean when they say "you can't go home again".

  2. Oh sweetie, it sounds quite a roller-coaster ride you've been through as of late, I can imagine how draining it must have been. I'm sure it did your mother a power of good to have you visit her. It's good you are a loving, supportive family, it helps during stressful times like this to have each other to lean on.

  3. TB: Thanks! Glad I'm not alone in feeling like an outsider. Boy, is that ever true (you can't go home again).

    Vince: Thanks for the kind words. She's doing much better this week, thank goodness. :)

    Shrinky: That would be a good way to describe it for sure. Thank you for the encouraging words, I really appreciate them.