It's been a long time since I've posted anything....almost 2 years!! Where HAS the time gone?! My kids are getting older...I'm getting older...Binderclips is getting older. It's weird...
If you would have asked me 17.5 years ago where I'd be now, I would never have imagined that I'd be where I am. Why am I thinking about 17.5 years, specifically? Well, I met Binderclips 17.5 years ago. This year we will have been married 10 years. 10 YEARS!? At that point, the day we were married was one of the most impactful days of my life. It remains as one of the most important days to me. I don't know what I did to convince such an amazing man to want to marry me, but I did.
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| Falls Park - Sioux Falls, SD |
Then my kids came along. First my oldest in 2011. The day she was born was a day of complete change for me both physically and emotionally. If I had to put words to describe the metamorphosis I experienced the day she was born, it was a likeness to ice melting into water. Not only did my state of mind change, but my physical state of being changed. A clearness in both that allowed me to value something outside of myself because it was a part of me...made up of me... and Binderclips... combined. There was a clearness of understanding that I was not only responsible for myself, but for this little beautiful being for the rest of her life. A softness took over me that taught me, quite instinctively to be a nurturer and a giver.
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| Badlands |
Then, my mom passed away...right around the time my daughter was 6 months old. She passed away unexpectedly in my home, while visiting. It was truly heartbreaking. The moment I realized she had passed away, everything changed. Every. Single. Thing. From the moment before I learned she passed away to the moment I realized she had, I was a completely different person. First, my heart broke into a million little pieces that I sincerely felt (at the time) couldn't be put back together. In fact, from that moment on, for what seemed like years, I felt that way. I went (and still go) through the full gamut of emotions that you feel while grieving (it's a process that never really ends). I was so sad that I felt bad for having my daughter, not because I regretted it or thought I made a mistake, but because I knew she would feel the same pain when I pass away some day. I was mad that she had left, for a while. I mourned the relationship that could have been. Now I forgive her...for leaving me too soon...for making mistakes...and have a deeper understanding and compassion for the choices she made while she was here.
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| Mount Rushmore |
The next biggest change came, again, after giving birth to my second daughter. The state of change that occurred when I had my oldest, happened again with my youngest. You become more aware of life. More present. More thankful. You learn to live and lead and most importantly, love deeper than you ever have before.
This takes me to this year. This year has also been a huge year of change for me. Not because things have changed around me, but because they have changed within me. I turned 40 this year and what did I want you ask? I wanted to go "home", to remember my roots, to re-explore significant geographical points to remind me of being a child....and that's what I did, with my family.
We took a trip to Wyoming, the state I was born in. I left there when I was 12, leaving my brother and my father behind to go live with my mother in Michigan. It was a decision I haven't talked about before and, to be honest, I'm not sure I want to. I missed my dad and brother when I left and all I can say is that a mother has a very strong hold on the emotions of a child...especially a mother who is only seen by her children during the summers.
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| Devils Tower |
things were the sight of the Black Hills as we drove into WY. I remember seeing those hills on every drive to and from Michigan. The sight of them literally brought tears to my eyes.
Seeing my family also impacted me greatly. We stayed with one of my cousins and we realized that we are extremely similar. One of the ways we are most alike is in perspectives on life. She believes you can do anything you put your mind to and so do I, down to my core. But it's not only her that thinks this way, it seems to be theme across my father's side of the family. Whenever presented with a challenge of any capacity, it seems our first thought is "I can do that". There is never a question of what might stop us from completing something, instead we just move forward with confidence and enthusiasm. I always thought this was a trait specific to me, but after having spent time with my Uncle, Aunt and cousins in WY, I'm sure it's a genetic trait.
I also realized we are story tellers, some of us, at least. We love to talk about our experiences and laugh about them. The simplest interaction can result in the funniest of circumstances and we love to share the joy of laughing (either with us or at us) with you. This is definitely genetic too.
Things I learned on our journey:
1) My Uncle's stories are the best
2) My Aunt's hugs are the warmest and the most loving (much like the way I remember my mom's hugs being)
3) My cousin is a badass hunter and has and will continue to do great things
4) My other cousin is like the sister I never had and she can do anything she puts her mind to
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| My family |
Posts
Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one!
ReplyDeleteIt's on a entirely different topic but it has
pretty much the same page layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!