Renunciation and Monkeys

Who doesn't love monkeys? Seriously?! 

Hello out there in blog world! The holidays have been increasingly difficult for me this year and it's for that reason that I have not posted in a while. However, I've been doing quite a bit if thinking...mostly about renunciation and monkeys honestly.

Whenever I'm experiencing a tough time emotionally I find that I revisit a story that Lama Chuck Stanford told at the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City a couple years ago.

The story goes like this:
Somewhere in India they were having issues with monkeys getting hurt or people injuring them or something like that. In an effort to relocate the monkeys and save them the locals placed mangos inside of coconuts and made a whole large enough in the coconuts for the monkeys to stick their hands through to grab them. The coconuts were placed on one side of a fence so that when the monkeys stuck their hands into the coconuts and grabbed the mangos inside they would get stuck. This would allow the locals to then take the monkeys to another safer location. Even though the monkeys could get their hands out of the coconuts very easily on their own, they never did because they refused to let go of the mangos in their hands. So, really all they had to do was let go of them and that would have freed them.

Lama Chuck used this example to describe how we as humans hold onto emotions and don't let go in some cases causing our own pain and suffering. When all we have to do is let go of the negative emotions and understand that we decide what we will let impact our lives (emotionally or otherwise).

I always think if this when I am having difficulty letting go of negative emotions. I remind myself that I decide what my attitude is in any given set of circumstances. I have the choice to grow from the experience or to remain "stuck" in my own negativity. I try to always grow but sometimes it's hard.

The negative emotions I have about my Mother's passing have been extremely hard to let go of but I keep repeating "renunciation and monkeys" in my head on those days that are particularly difficult.
Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but I figure either way at least I tried!

Anyways hope all is well and that this story also helps you during difficult times. Later alligators, oh and Happy Holidays!

Dear Mom...A Letter to You

My Mother at age 2 and a half

Dear Mom,
Your birthday is in 4 days. I’ve been trying to convince myself to celebrate your life, but I’m feeling too overwhelmed with sadness to let myself do it. I just miss you soo much. It has been a little less than 6 months since you passed and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still can’t go into the room where you passed. I mean, I try to go in there occasionally (usually with Binderclips) but it is still very hard for me. I can no longer work in there.

This one is dated 1967, this is her with her Mother.

I wish people could warn others about how bad it hurts when your mom passes away, my heart literally feels like it was broken into a billion pieces. And, quite honestly, during the first few days I wasn’t sure if I would make it. Every day I would wake up and tell Binderclips “I just don’t know how I will get through this” crying hysterically. In fact, I even saw concern in his eyes when I said this to him, like he wasn’t sure himself that I would be able to make it through it and be the same. While the bouts of what seemed like random, hysterical crying have almost stopped, my heart still aches for you daily.I’m mad at you.

I needed more time with you.

Baby G needed more time with you.

This is not fair.

Why? Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t you tell me that you were feeling really bad and wouldn’t be able to come and visit and help with Baby G? Or at the very least, why didn’t you let Dad tell me?

I feel like had I not asked you to come that you might still be here and that we wouldn’t have lost you that day. The guilt overwhelms me at times when I think about this.

I feel selfish.

If I hadn’t been soo worried about having Baby G taken care of maybe I would have realized you weren’t in any shape to come. I find myself asking myself “What signs did I miss? What did I miss that I should have seen?” often.

When I asked Dad how he handled his Mother’s passing he told me that he never really recovered completely from it – that, there is still sadness in his heart that longs for his Mom. I don’t think people understand this sadness until they experience it themselves. It is a sadness like no other. My Mother is gone. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her physical touch again. Even as a 30+ year old woman sometimes all I want is my Mom and I will never be able to have her with me again physically.

I think back to the night you passed often. I knew you weren’t feeling well, but you always needed a day to recover after you showed up, so that’s what we all thought was happening. I ask myself again and again should I have called an ambulance that night or taken you to the hospital, maybe it would have saved your life.

You went to bed at 8:30 that night. Dad went with you. When he woke me up at 1AM he had no idea that you had passed shortly after you both went to bed (per the medical examiner). The warmth from his body kept your arm warm, so you didn’t feel cold at all on the part of your body. In fact, your hand stayed warm for the hours after he woke me and after we called the police. I stayed by your side for those hours and held your hand trying to comprehend what had happened.

You had been through soo much. There had been several occasions in which the doctor had called me and said “you need to get here today because she isn’t going to make it much longer” and you did. You survived and came back strong every time. Why was this time different? Why? Why? Why?

The Pepsi you were drinking and spilled all over the floor that night is still in our fridge. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. We also still have the candies that you were eating. However, I can’t bring myself to eat any of them or throw them away, I like to keep them around – it makes me feel like you are still here sometimes.

I told Binderclips that had I not just had Baby G not too long before your passing, this would have deterred me from wanting any children at all. That is how badly my heart aches. I don’t want to inflict this pain on anyone when I pass.

During the middle of the day I often find myself thinking “Oh I should call my Mom” but of course I can’t, because you won’t be there.

I'm guessing around the same time as the picture from 1967, which would make her 11.

Anyways, Baby G, Binderclips, and I are going to create something in your honor on your birthday since you loved to make things. I will make sure we do something in your honor every year on your birthday. I will try to be happy with the memories I have of you on your birthday and other days, but this year it might be hard. Baby G’s birthday coming 3 days later will hopefully help.I miss you….always. As you had said to me many times throughout my life - I love you more than all the stars in the sky.Love, Your Daughter

I believe this is when she was 17 or 18, her with her Grandfather, who passed away on 4/11 in the early 80's. My Mother passed away on 4/12 of this year.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants

I don't normally post stuff like this, however today there has been a lot of activity on facebook regarding a topic that is very near and dear to my heart....endometriosis.

Now don't get me wrong, there is always a lot of activity thanks to the Endometriosis Research Center, however today's post to the link below (featuring an article on endometriosis) in particular got a lot of attention.

Here is the link:
http://www.international.to/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=6928%3Awhat-is-endometirosis-all-women-should-read-this&catid=84%3Ahealth&Itemid=276

After the ERC posted this link on it's facebook page, many of us read the article and were outraged.

In short, the article states that "Many studies show that low BMI, delayed pregnancy, poor nutrition, teenage pregnancy, poor personal hygiene, low body immunity, prolonged mood disorders and severe hormonal disharmony are the causative factors of Endometriosis. " This could not be more inaccurate.

The Editor's Comments section was not present nor were the Reader Contributions/Comments when the ERC originally posted the link to it. However, the good that came of the article being posted is that we all came together in a united front with knowledge/experience on our side and responded. Readers submitted comments that were published over the course of the day and the editor added comments to the beginning of the article that includes an apology to readers.

The ERC also submitted a statement that was posted at the end of the article, please take a moment to read it. It is one of the best written statements that articulates what many of us that have been diagnosed with endometriosis thought of the original article.

I thought I'd post this because I was genuinely touched by the sisterhood that I feel with the other women also diagnosed with this disease. I have decided to give a name to all of us that have been diagnosed, from here on out I will refer our sisterhood as -  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants (if you have been diagnosed you totally get why this fits us). 

I have shared some of my experiences with endometriosis on this blog, although not nearly as much as it has impacted me. Endometriosis is a very personal thing to me, I try not to complain about much, but I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries already. This disease impacts me almost daily, I just try to continue to have a positive perspective. Even after having been told that I may not be able to have children and beginning on a path to find fertility... I tried to remain positive and eventually we were lucky enough to conceive (this is not the case for many with the disease), you can read more about how I found out about that in a post I titled I Might be Growing a Penis if you're interested.

Any who, thank you again to the Endometriosis Research Center for your continued work and passion on this topic. Also, thank you to the other women who responded to this article who belong to this Sisterhood! From the bottom of my heart - I thank you!

I thought I would post a random picture of myself being attacked by a pirate in the Bahamas... it has nothing to do with this post, but hopefully you will get a laugh or smile out of it. To answer your question: I don't know how I find myself in these types of situations, I just do!

Dangerous Rhymes Lead to Dangerous Minds?

Hello out there in blog world! I hope everyone is doing well. Binderclips and I have been really busy with our little darling Baby G. She's growing soo fast I just can't believe it! She now crawls at warp speed (and that's at her slowest pace)...needless to say, she's keeping us very busy constantly chasing her around.

We've been reading to her a lot and she loves Dr. Seuss. Recently I read Fox In Socks to her. When I opened the book the message in the picture was on the first page. When I read it I thought 'oh that's funny, just like good 'ol Dr. Seuss to put a message like that in a book' (like we're friends or something).

Anyways, what I learned was to take Dr. Seuss seriously. When it comes to rhyming he puts Lil Wayne (or any rapper) to shame. He doesn't play around when it comes to rhymes. Seriously.

I double dog dare you (if you have never read that book before or haven't in a very long time) to read it the first time without struggling or making any mistakes. I am totally not kidding.

Let me know how it goes too. I wish you luck because you will need it!

Have a great holiday weekend everyone!

Later gators!

Conversations with a Llama and Stuff

I'm feeling a little down today. Sigh. I have a sinus infection and had to call the medical examiner today  (I've had to do this a lot actually) about my Mom. I can tell you the 2 combined do not make a good combination. After I got off the phone I cried and cried and continue to do so randomly today. A lady on TV was talking about crying herself and that alone set me off, which is kind of funny but sad at the same time. Wish me luck with the waterworks, I'm hoping they stop soon.

Any who, the below cheered me up a bit and so I thought I'd repost it. I hope, if you are also having a bad day, it cheers you up as well. Later gators.

Originally posted 10/7/2010

This is me and my llama friend "Larry". Don't we look good? Actually, I think that Larry the Llama was having a better hair day than I was - now that I'm looking at the pictures. Grrrrrrr

After hanging out for a bit, just looking cool (as evidenced by the picture above). It was at this point that Larry the Llama decided to tell me a secret.

HulaBuns: What? What's that you say Larry the Llama?

Larry the Llama: "I'm so glad you are not wearing a wool sweater" he says in a French accent. But it sounds like "Imsoovladyoooarrrvnotvwearingavwoolsveatair."

HulaBuns: *blushing* (It's hard not to blush when you are being spoken to in a French accent) "Oh, Llama. I would never wear wool in front of you." Put off by the French accent I ask "Are you from France?"

Larry the Llama: "You look fabulous. Has anyone told you that today?" he says, again in French accent, eyeing Binderclips as if he's done something wrong. Then responds with "But of course I am from France. Well, the Canadian France. So Canada actually." But is sounds like "ButfcourseImfrooomfrancious. WellvecanAdiennefrancious. SocanAdianneaktoooalleeee."

HulaBuns: "Oh, you silly Llama"  I say again, blushing.

Larry the Llama: "May I lick your face?" he says but it sounds like "MayIvleeekurrrfaaaas?"

HulaBuns: Ummm. No. And I'm watching you Larry the Llama, so don't even try it. And just so you know we don't do that kind of thing in these parts. Face licking is only preferred by a select few and I am not one of those who likes that sort of thing. Unless, I have sugar on my face, but that's a whole nother story.

Unfortunately, for Larry the Llama, I had to leave shortly after. However, I couldn't resist sharing the pictures and story (ummm, of course I didn't make any of it up) with you all. I hope you like it!

Have a great day everyone! Later gators!

Some llama facts: Llamas are the one of the oldest domesticated animals of the world. They have deer-like poop and usually have a communal area where the herd poops. Removal of wool is not harmful to the llamas if done properly.

Sexting Hulabuns and Binderclips Style

This picture is from the Madison Farmer's Market. They have it on the capital building grounds. Lots of vendors and people show up - we attended and thought it was a great time.

Sometimes you sext on purpose and sometimes you don't - either way, the person you're sexting doesn't need to know the truth. Case and point:

Binderclips is on his way home from work, so he lets me know via text.

Binderclips: On my way home!

Hulabuns: Goolove you

On my old phone it was kind of hard to text (think non-smart phone), so if I messed up while typing a text (especially one that was going to Binderclips) I would just send it anyway (who am I kidding? I still do this with my smart phone especially when the dictation function messes up - I think it's hilarious). In this case, I was trying to type "Good love you"- but it ended up running together somehow.

Binderclips: Goolove??

While I'm trying to formulate a response I get another text...

Binderclips: Wait. Are you sexting me??

There could be no other response than....

Hulabuns: Yes, definitely

Binderclips' response back: Well then, goolove you back {wink wink}

That was the end of it, but if you ever see "goolove" show up in a text from Binderclips or me - you can take it as a sext apparently.

In other texting news, Binderclips showed me where to find the emoticons on my phone for texting. Needless to say, Binderclips was the lucky recipient of many poop piles amongst other strange emoticons from me soon after. I'm certain now he's sorry he showed me where they were. I even found a emoticon that perfectly expresses that I'm pumping milk and am unavailable...you can guess which one that is.

I hope all is well out there! Later gators!

Tea Bag

To the followers that continue to follow (and read) my blog - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I have been MIA for a while and am trying to get things back together. However, becoming a mother and losing my mother (in my home) have presented me with some very sad and lonely times. I know I have lots of people there for me but not many of them can understand how much these events have impacted me. Thanks to those who have been and continue to be there for me.

This was the message on my tea bag...what do you think? Is it true? Or is it a little over-dramatic?

One of my friends said she thinks it's true for my world, I definitely agree with that but above and beyond my world - I'm not so sure.

It definitely makes you look at everything differently if it is true...let me know what you think!