Love is a Battlefield (well pregnancy is, at least with Baby G #2)

Awful, absolutely awful! That's how good I am at updating this blog....

I am going to try something a little different for today, todays' post is dedicated to Binderclips. So, here I go, wish me luck.

Dear Binderclips,

Sometimes life is a struggle, but it's easier knowing you will always be by my side.

I don't tell you I love you enough, but that's because I feel like you already know - but maybe you don't. I could say I love you more than all the stars in the sky (a saying my Mother said to me often), although I don't think that fully expresses how much you mean to me either.

I could say I love you more than anything but then that makes me think of how nothing is also something and we have no idea how big it really is. So, I guess I could say I love you more than nothing too, but that doesn't sound as nice. However, knowing you, you are now contemplating if "nothing" is, in fact, "something" and if so, what is it? Oh how I enjoy doing that to you.

Anyways, FOCUS (I'm talking to you Binderclips)!

The point is, how do you tell someone how much they mean to you, what is the best way to articulate it? I don't know but I'm going to try...

I miss you always

I've never felt safer than I do when I'm with you

I've never trusted someone more than I trust you

Even though you may not believe it, you give me strength when I'm going through hard times

I will continue to grow as a person for us and our children

I can't wait to grow old with you

Now to the good stuff....

At this point, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and look like and feel like I am going to have twins. This is clearly your fault as you are tall. Many times you find me looking at you with a grumpy look - what am I thinking?

YOU did this to me! 

This is all your fault! 

Baby G #2 (that's right folks, we're having another girl people - good luck Binderclips!) is kicking the crap out of my insides. Last night she kicked me so hard in the ribs it took my breath away (I considered doing the same to you to show you what I was going through but decided against it). My hips feel like someone took my legs and tried to rip them off of me (imagine a giant ripping or trying to rip the legs off of a person, but being unsuccessful and giving up and deciding to leave them there). I can't sleep at night due to the hip pain and all of her movements.

In short, I love you Binderclips but I really wish you had to deal with these things to see how it felt. You. have. no. idea. The only reason I would ever do this again is because I love you and our children so much that it doesn't matter. However, make no mistake, I WILL complain about it as much as I want to. Anyways, I love you.

NOTE: In my next life I hope I have the sense to be with someone who is not so tall ;)

Love,
Hulabuns

In All Honesty?

In deep discussion about aeronautics at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum in DC back in December. Clearly I knew more than this guy as he didn't have much to say. ;)

I have a serious question for everyone. And I've been asking myself this one a lot to try to determine the right answer.

Have you ever caught someone in a lie? If so, how did you handle it?

Now, let me start off by saying that I have not always been entirely honest about things and I am aware of this. I have told lies for a couple of reasons in the past, however I have entirely gotten away from doing this. As I've gotten older and more lets call it "mature" I see no point in it (clearly most of my posts show how truly "mature" I am - wink, wink).

I guess the reason I had done it in the past was to; not hurt someone's feelings, I was embarrassed about something, or I just wasn't as secure with my decision. Nowadays I don't think any of these are good reasons to lie (is there ever a good reason?). I've learned that it's more hurtful to not tell the truth then to lie and that I have to be very secure/sure of why I made the decision I did. Therefore, I'm less likely to be embarrassed by my decisions.

If I've ever lied to you and hurt you let me just say - I'm genuinely sorry. I'd also like to say that if you feel like confronting me on it - please do. I only ask that you email/call me directly, so we can discuss it with each other that way. Not only is it good for you to get it off of your chest, it's also good to be able to be confronted/confront someone. (Hey, not all conversations are flowers and rainbows...learning that and being able to handle it is also important.) Believe me, I have had plenty of awful confrontations in my life (most of them with addicts of some sort) - I've learned to do my best during these confrontations; staying true to myself while trying to remain compassionate to the other person's perspective.

It was a tad cold that day, so baby G was bundled up. Being that she was born in WI, she tends to like cold weather - go figure.

Anyways, a while back I caught a friend in a lie. I didn't call her out on it at the time and have struggled with confronting her on it. On one hand, I've wanted to confront her because it changed the way I viewed our friendship. On the other hand, I think she lied to not hurt my feelings, which, of course I can understand.

I keep asking myself what I would want if we're in her shoes and I'd like to be confronted, but I do know not everyone has the same perspective as me.

So what do you guys think? Has this ever happened to you?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! Later gators!

Don't Judge Me

Today is not one of my better days, let me just start with that.

Like any other morning I got up and got dressed (sounds normal so far right?). Things were as usual until I was in the middle of a call for work.

As I sat on the call I noticed something moving near my foot out of the corner if my eye. I looked down to see a gigantic (and I mean HUGE) centipede crawling around. Immediately I screamed as if I was being kidnapped or something. At that point I remembered I was on a call for work. My first thought was 'thank goodness I was on mute!' My second thought was 'great! Now I have to present my teams' information' (which is on my computer in the area where I encountered the centipede, the area in which I can't bare to be in).

At that moment they call me to present our information...I grab the laptop and like a madwoman rip the cord out of the wall. I'm out of breath because I'm so stressed from the encounter with the bug. Standing, with my laptop in my hands, I give our status knowing that I sound as if I just ran a marathon.

I decide to go sit down at the kitchen table to calm myself down, then see this post it note that I wrote out earlier today:

In case you can't read my chicken scratch it says "I put my bra on inside out today and didn't notice for a couple if hours."

I'm not sure what's worse; the fact that I wrote myself a note like this (I wrote it to remind myself that I did it because I wanted to remember to tell Binderclips, and lets face it - I'm VERY forgetful lately) or the fact that I actually did it?

OR that I forgot to fix it and, therefore, am still wearing my bra inside out? (Oh come on! It's a sports bra type thing in my defense.)

Any who, I thought you all needed to know about all of this (as embarrassing as it is). Don't judge - you know you're not perfect either and surely you've put something on inside out at some point?

Alrighty, that's it from me. Later gators!

Repost: Casualties of the Underworld

Ok, ok, so there may be some confusion over on facebook about whether or not I've had bugs in my undies at some point....to clear up the confusion here is the post regarding how I may have lost some undies at the doctor's office. Enjoy!!

Here are some pictures from Baby G's 13 month photos. :)

Originally posted 9/1/2010

I had to go to the doctor's a couple of weeks ago. So, I got there early, checked in with the receptionist, then decided to meander around the waiting room (which, was empty at the time) looking at the literature they had posted.

Just as I picked up something to read the nurse called me back. I followed her back to the "surprise zone" to undergo some surprise testing. I've decided to call it the "surprise zone" because I had no idea that; 1) The test being done would be much more invasive than I had originally expected and 2) The lady who performed the surprise test also surprised me by trying to sell me jewelry at the end of it.

Any who, after making no jewelry purchases I was essentially on my way out and done with my appointment. This is where things really took a turn for the worse....

As I started to head out and back into the waiting room, I noticed the receptionist carrying some paper towel and heading out there as well. As she opened the door we both walked out. It was at this point that I noticed that everyone in the waiting room was in a fit of laughter (the waiting room was full also). Then, I heard one of the woman say "Someone was in a hurry to get a PAP smear!" followed by even more laughter.

As if in slow motion I looked down to see what everyone was looking (and laughing) at....

It was a pair of my underwear!!! Specifically, Michigan State University underwear that Binderclips had bought me some time ago. In my head I began to freak out thinking "What do I do? What DO I DO??!! Binderclips is going to KILL me!! And they are one of my favorite pairs of undies!!" By the way, when I told this story to my friend it was at this point that she responded with "Abandon the undies!!! Abandon. The. Undies!!!"

As I looked at my undies on the floor of the waiting room I had a flashback to the day prior to the appointment and that's when I realized what had happened. The day before the appointment Binderclips and I had went swimming. I had been wearing the jeans I wore to the doctor's appointment and had taken them off with my undies in them and forgot about them. When I got dressed for the appointment I had put my jeans back on and must have pushed my undies down into one of the pant legs (please tell me I'm not the only one who has done this before?).

Anyways, after some major contemplation, what do you think I decided to do? If you guessed pick them up and say something like "Ooooo, sorry about that. Let me just get those out of your way." as I picked them up - you're wrong. Sadly, I actually left them behind.

However, as I walked out of the waiting room (again, saying goodbye to my beloved MI State undies) I tried to hold my laughter in. As soon as I got into the elevator I started laughing hysterically, thank goodness I was alone.

When I got out to my car I decided to give Binderclips a call. I asked him "So, do you want the good news or the bad news first?" I shared the good news first (everything looked A-Ok according to the doctor), then broke the bad news to him. I simply said "I lost my undies, the MI state ones." After describing how it happened to him, he responded with "You know, it wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't done this before!" Then he reminded me of the time that I had the same thing happen early on in our relationship, except that time it happened in a grocery store. Someone saw me drop something (I'm not sure if they realized they had dropped out of my pant leg or just thought I had dropped them) and went to pick them up to hand to me. When they realized what they were (think embarrassing undies, unlike my MI State undies - which, were boy shorts) - they said "Ooo, ummm, never mind" then walked away embarrassed.

Now when I leave the house Binderclips tells me to "come back with the same number of undies I left with". Only me folks, only me....

So, have you done something like this before?

Spit and Shine?

Hola friends! I can't believe I haven't lost any followers yet....I haven't posted in almost 4 months. I am trying to get better at it but we have lots of stuff going on. I mean, I am very very thankful and appreciate very much that none of you have stopped following me. Therefore, I owe a HUGE thank you to you! So THANK YOU!

So about all that stuff going on....
Well, I'm expecting (yes, again to those of you that remember my last pregnancy like it was yesterday, even though it was 18 months ago that Baby G was born). I'm 3.5 months at this point and this pregnancy has been very similar to the first one, well except for worse. In the 1st trimester it felt like I threw up more than I actually ate. Had to get some meds from the doctor to help me keep food down this time, which I didn't have to do last time. The good news is that I'm feeling much better this last week!

In other news, we are looking for a house and are hoping to find one before I get as big as a house. Will that actually happen? I have no idea, but I sure hope so! Wish us luck!

I suppose I need to document the growth of my belly the way I did last time. I probably should get on that. If you want to see any of that progress just review any posts from the year 2011 (I included one below of some of my maternity pictures if you are interested). I'll try to work on belly pictures in the meantime.

Some maternity pictures from Baby G

So, onto the spit and shine...
This one is not for those of you with weak stomachs. (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

Early on in our relationship Binderclips and I played many games with each other. This one wasn't as much a game as it was torture for the other person, but in preparation for your question - yes, we actually did this.

Somehow one of us (usually Binderclips since he's bigger than me) would be standing/kneeling over the other. One fine day when this happened Binderclips was standing over me holding my hands (so that I couldn't get out of his grip) and decided that his next best move would be to start a line of spit from his mouth that conveniently was hanging over my face. (Totally gross, right?) The first time this happened I decided my best line of defense (as the line of spit lowered and got closer to my face) was to open my mouth. (Hey, if you can't beat them, sometimes you have to join them.) This took Binderclips by such surprise that he immediately sucked the spit back up and therefore, I was no longer in danger. This is when I learned I'm like a mental ninja when it comes to Binderclips. If I do something he really doesn't expect it almost paralyzes him, it's fantastic.

Alrighty, this mental ninja is signing off! Hope all is well out there! Later Gators.

You like the new hair do/color?

Renunciation and Monkeys

Who doesn't love monkeys? Seriously?! 

Hello out there in blog world! The holidays have been increasingly difficult for me this year and it's for that reason that I have not posted in a while. However, I've been doing quite a bit if thinking...mostly about renunciation and monkeys honestly.

Whenever I'm experiencing a tough time emotionally I find that I revisit a story that Lama Chuck Stanford told at the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City a couple years ago.

The story goes like this:
Somewhere in India they were having issues with monkeys getting hurt or people injuring them or something like that. In an effort to relocate the monkeys and save them the locals placed mangos inside of coconuts and made a whole large enough in the coconuts for the monkeys to stick their hands through to grab them. The coconuts were placed on one side of a fence so that when the monkeys stuck their hands into the coconuts and grabbed the mangos inside they would get stuck. This would allow the locals to then take the monkeys to another safer location. Even though the monkeys could get their hands out of the coconuts very easily on their own, they never did because they refused to let go of the mangos in their hands. So, really all they had to do was let go of them and that would have freed them.

Lama Chuck used this example to describe how we as humans hold onto emotions and don't let go in some cases causing our own pain and suffering. When all we have to do is let go of the negative emotions and understand that we decide what we will let impact our lives (emotionally or otherwise).

I always think if this when I am having difficulty letting go of negative emotions. I remind myself that I decide what my attitude is in any given set of circumstances. I have the choice to grow from the experience or to remain "stuck" in my own negativity. I try to always grow but sometimes it's hard.

The negative emotions I have about my Mother's passing have been extremely hard to let go of but I keep repeating "renunciation and monkeys" in my head on those days that are particularly difficult.
Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but I figure either way at least I tried!

Anyways hope all is well and that this story also helps you during difficult times. Later alligators, oh and Happy Holidays!

Dear Mom...A Letter to You

My Mother at age 2 and a half

Dear Mom,
Your birthday is in 4 days. I’ve been trying to convince myself to celebrate your life, but I’m feeling too overwhelmed with sadness to let myself do it. I just miss you soo much. It has been a little less than 6 months since you passed and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still can’t go into the room where you passed. I mean, I try to go in there occasionally (usually with Binderclips) but it is still very hard for me. I can no longer work in there.

This one is dated 1967, this is her with her Mother.

I wish people could warn others about how bad it hurts when your mom passes away, my heart literally feels like it was broken into a billion pieces. And, quite honestly, during the first few days I wasn’t sure if I would make it. Every day I would wake up and tell Binderclips “I just don’t know how I will get through this” crying hysterically. In fact, I even saw concern in his eyes when I said this to him, like he wasn’t sure himself that I would be able to make it through it and be the same. While the bouts of what seemed like random, hysterical crying have almost stopped, my heart still aches for you daily.I’m mad at you.

I needed more time with you.

Baby G needed more time with you.

This is not fair.

Why? Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t you tell me that you were feeling really bad and wouldn’t be able to come and visit and help with Baby G? Or at the very least, why didn’t you let Dad tell me?

I feel like had I not asked you to come that you might still be here and that we wouldn’t have lost you that day. The guilt overwhelms me at times when I think about this.

I feel selfish.

If I hadn’t been soo worried about having Baby G taken care of maybe I would have realized you weren’t in any shape to come. I find myself asking myself “What signs did I miss? What did I miss that I should have seen?” often.

When I asked Dad how he handled his Mother’s passing he told me that he never really recovered completely from it – that, there is still sadness in his heart that longs for his Mom. I don’t think people understand this sadness until they experience it themselves. It is a sadness like no other. My Mother is gone. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her physical touch again. Even as a 30+ year old woman sometimes all I want is my Mom and I will never be able to have her with me again physically.

I think back to the night you passed often. I knew you weren’t feeling well, but you always needed a day to recover after you showed up, so that’s what we all thought was happening. I ask myself again and again should I have called an ambulance that night or taken you to the hospital, maybe it would have saved your life.

You went to bed at 8:30 that night. Dad went with you. When he woke me up at 1AM he had no idea that you had passed shortly after you both went to bed (per the medical examiner). The warmth from his body kept your arm warm, so you didn’t feel cold at all on the part of your body. In fact, your hand stayed warm for the hours after he woke me and after we called the police. I stayed by your side for those hours and held your hand trying to comprehend what had happened.

You had been through soo much. There had been several occasions in which the doctor had called me and said “you need to get here today because she isn’t going to make it much longer” and you did. You survived and came back strong every time. Why was this time different? Why? Why? Why?

The Pepsi you were drinking and spilled all over the floor that night is still in our fridge. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. We also still have the candies that you were eating. However, I can’t bring myself to eat any of them or throw them away, I like to keep them around – it makes me feel like you are still here sometimes.

I told Binderclips that had I not just had Baby G not too long before your passing, this would have deterred me from wanting any children at all. That is how badly my heart aches. I don’t want to inflict this pain on anyone when I pass.

During the middle of the day I often find myself thinking “Oh I should call my Mom” but of course I can’t, because you won’t be there.

I'm guessing around the same time as the picture from 1967, which would make her 11.

Anyways, Baby G, Binderclips, and I are going to create something in your honor on your birthday since you loved to make things. I will make sure we do something in your honor every year on your birthday. I will try to be happy with the memories I have of you on your birthday and other days, but this year it might be hard. Baby G’s birthday coming 3 days later will hopefully help.I miss you….always. As you had said to me many times throughout my life - I love you more than all the stars in the sky.Love, Your Daughter

I believe this is when she was 17 or 18, her with her Grandfather, who passed away on 4/11 in the early 80's. My Mother passed away on 4/12 of this year.